Thursday, September 29 . 12:34 AM
effectively 4 more days now...It is definitely not easy, even with the everyday studying mindset. life just gets monotonous with all the pw nonsense and mundane process of practicing and memorisng. but we can choose what perspective we're looking from ain't it? how're we gonna do that when everyone's just anxious about the end result - to pass.? i wonder if that's truly learning at all. what's the whole point of it when we're simply following this set of "formulas", as Mr. Bell himself said it to clear our exams and move on? the intention is purposeful, but overall outcome unjustified. practicality as they said it? who on earth said that this is the only route to a prospectful future? it is ultimately the best and most reasonable analogy but there are always exceptions. it's just that we aren't brave enough to pick up that challenge for who would want to risk our future? few would. this is the sad reality of life. study hard --> get a degree --> get a good job with a reasonable pay --> relatively luxurious lifestyle or higher. not this way, then cannot survive. true?
was listening to "forever and always" by parachute last morning 1am. it was kind of the trigger, like UV light of free radical subsitution. suddenly sparked an influx of emotions and i just started crying. the tears flowed fast and free, like an overflowing tap. everything just linked themselves together and gushed out of my whole system. i could literally feel the knife stabbing through my heart as i sat on my bed and my pillow became more damp by the minute. thought of how bad i had been, relationship-wise, attitude-wise and behaviour-wise. so inconsiderate, not caring about anyone else, in my own delusional world of "studying" without sparing a thought for others. thought of the cold war with my sis for one month already, still ongoing.. and how mum always flares up.. not because she's fussy, because she cares. and how dad told me to go sleep but i simply replied in a curt manner "ok lah".
...
i need to change. i will change.
