Monday, December 3 . 10:48 pm
it isn't supposed to be like this. it's the entire opposite of what i imagined post-As life to be like... just when i thought liberation from all the intensive 2 years of studying was supposed to smell sweet, carefree and free of worries, i was wrong. so, so wrong i cannot believe that i'd rather have school than have these 8 months of holiday. it has only been one week of liberation, but the emptiness inside is overwhelming i cannot fathom how i'm going to tide through the remainder of the holidays. tried my best making plans... go for charity events, go out with people, make arrangements.. one by one the appointments / dates with people all get cancelled last minute. it feels as if everyone is so busy buzzing about their fully-packed schedule, but why do i seem so free? i wonder why is it always me trying to create outings and organise everything, as though others don't give a shit about them because they have more important things to do; because there's hardly any significance in spending time with someone like me. i really wonder, in the eyes of my classmates/friends/choirmates, who am i and how much am i worth? am i so meagre a peanut in their lives? i don't even want to bother trying anymore. and at home, yeah my attitude may stink.. but hasn't anyone noticed that i'm trying my best to improve? so sick and tired of people breaking their promises, of doing things as and when they like at the expense of exploiting me or taking me for granted. this time round i do not retaliate nor speak up because i'm really exhausted, and nobody can seem to really understand that nor emphatise with me. i'm really sorry for being so nonchalent with my attitude. don't really know how to explain this nor the right person to tell.. i guess the snowball effect has reached a point where its too gigantic to even melt the ice. i really have this foreshadowing that i will leave jc life with only one or two friends that i will keep in touch with.. in choir, my batch... forget it. idk if its something to do with me being the sc, being in front all the time.. or am i just so unlikeable? what should i do? continue reading my hols away, get a job, do i still want to go for carolling anymore?... i don't know. someone tell me what i should do now... it all boils down to being forever alone aye?
